Pro-Nails

I will always have a fondness for Kid Sister and this video in particular. Early 90s ski-jackets, fingerboards, fast beats and good hair = No complaints. I heard rumors of the cheap and extra fly hand designs out here in Frisco so I did some field research to see what all the hype was about. I ended up at King Nails (Shout out to Kayla and Christine for the find) in Outer Mission– a long trek from home. The muni broke down on me twice and I eventually found myself getting propositioned by a bus driver who was eager to “take me shopping”…Hmmm. After 3 hours of filing, filling, painting and drying, my nails were gloriously transformed:

10 layers of neon purple, green, gold and zebra later, I found myself struggling to complete everyday tasks like texting, typing, opening my wallet, sliding my card, flashing my bus pass, putting on my pants, brushing my teeth, opening the door etc. Luckily, my breathing patterns went unaffected (note sarcasm). I debated whether or not it was worth it…I suppose the obvious answer is “No!” but after one week of looking like a complete idiot, I finally figured out how to work them. PLUS, Now I can pose for stereotypic azn photoshoots more convincingly. Phew. They are no longer an inconvenience…although, I’ll be sure to ask for “short nail” next time…y’know just to experience the range…perfect segue into comedian Anjelah Johnson’s infamous “Beautiful Nail”:

Honey, why you don’t liiike? I am always struck by the accuracy of this bit…I remember last summer when a woman at this salon in Oakland convinced Lisa and I that we had full blown mustaches. We threw down way more money than we anticipated…I respect the hustle because I fall for it everytime. Who wants a mustache though, you feel me? Stand up comedy prevails once again! This past weekend Christine took me to get a pedicure (nothing fancy) at a local spot with MASSAGE CHAIRS. We abuse our bodies far too much, all we need is a massage chair and unlimited green tea to reboot. Take care of yourselves, you’re worth it. (I’ve come a long way from the good ol’ anarchist days of throwing bricks at Starbucks windows and padlocks at Nazis, huh?). Basically, I’m sold on the whole nail thing. I never would’ve guessed dudes would notice but the compliments are non-stop. Word up! I can’t wait for my girls to get out here…I miss you all like crazy!!!

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