Everyday I’m Hustlin’
This shit is hella goooood!!!
This shit is hella funnnny!!!
This shit is hella perfeeect!!!
The facts are as follows: Beef Don is the true don. Katt Williams is the funniest man on planet earth and my newest addiction. He’s actually coming to San Francisco in two weeks but the remaining tickets are $180 each. I love you Katt but I love my money more and I know you can respect that because your tagline is “where funny makes money”. True. Lastly, the everyday landscapes of this city are spoiling the shit out of me! The past couple of days have stayed warm and beautiful right up until the fog rolls in and I am taking full advantage. Parks, ice cream, more parks, more ice cream. Shout out to dude who mumbles “Ganja treats” everytime he passes you at Dolores Park pushing baked goods in a cooler. I have NEVER seen anyone purchase anything from him but I respect the hustle. (I would suggest working on the subtlety of the pitch, boo). Quick digression: I call everyone “boo” y’all dudes need to stop reading into that shit. Another Quick Digression: Why do dudes in the bay love hollering from moving vehicles? What is the best case scenario? Have any of you been hollered at in a car right before dude gets stuck at a red light? it is SO funny. Maybe i’ll do a stand up routine on that one day…Also, dudes love screaming the word “eye candy” around here. Y’all are wildin!!! I feel like I’m in a fucked up “The Pack” music video everytime I leave the house. Trust me, that is not a good thing. Sometimes I think Young L and Uno are cute and that’s why I believe in the impending apocalypse. Moving right along, Christine just took me to the ill sushi spot in our neighborhood–lower haight. I’m slowly but surely learning where to take you all when you come visit. Bring an appetite. I’m only now beginning to come down from the sake buzz…LIGHTWEIGHT. Haters, fall back. It’s lovely to be back home in my completely empty apartment. Seriously:
<—I’m sitting right there. On that air mattress. Truth be told, I’m getting used to this whole pseudo-minimalist lifestyle. Not to mention the previous tenant was a practicing Tibetan Buddhist who still gets publications called “Snow Lion” sent to the apartment. I’m not sure what bullshit connection I’m trying to make between minimalism and Tibetan buddhism but whatever. I definitely need a chair. I thought the kitchen counter top would be a sufficient substitute but I’m worried my ass will prematurely flatten and that’s not a good look. In case you were wondering, the job search marches on. I have to bite the bullet and put Yelp on blast for the following “Community Manager” job listing on ventureloop.com:
As the Yelp Community Manager, you’ll be a full-time Yelp employee doing whatever it takes to grow the community of active yelpers as the Yelp “Mayor” in your city. Working out of your home and anywhere with WiFi, you’ll lead Yelp’s success in your city, and will be an integral member of a team of all-stars in the field receiving direction and support from Yelp Headquarters in San Francisco.
About you: Lives to write; writes to live. You know who you are. Pencils down. Has a fire in the belly. Walks through walls. Takes no prisoners. In a word: driven. Even when no one is watching. Especially then.
Social connector. You are the hub of your social world. You know everyone. Everyone knows you. You are the Mayor. The fun one. Diplomatic, too. Have more than a few years of post-graduate professional experience (existing Yelp community managers have 5 to 15 years).
About the job: Writing. Write locally compelling newsletters weekly and inspiring reviews daily. Persuasive pitches to venue owners and marketing partners. Event planning. Conceptualize, negotiate, wrangle, plan and execute cool, fun and buzz-worthy (big wow factor!) events/parties. Marketing outreach. Connect with the right local organizations, barter weekly newsletter sponsorships for promotion of Yelp. Socializing and adventuring. Meet up with yelpers. Attend civic events. See and be seen. In the scene. Be the Mayor. Always on.
WOW! A job posting written almost entirely in cliches. And freestyle rap form. The author responsible for this is most definitely the midlife crisis corporate white guy who insists on wearing graphic tees and blazers to work or that drunk white kid intern who fronts in the cipher like an arrogant motherfucker but all he wants is the affirmation/adoration of any down ass group of men of color. Mixed people included. Encouraged even. Or maybe it was written by McCain’s speech writer. Whoever wrote it is KILLING ME! Are you serious? If you are reading this, I command you to comment on the absurdity of what I’m working with out here in the so-called Real World. I need a job but these are my options! I apologize for the melodrama but I blame the Sake. I estimate that I will be blacklisted from Yelp in under 30 seconds once this entry is published. Information flows too freely these days (totally kidding)! No thank you Google.com. I’m going to sign off now and drink my body weight in water…that might stop the room from spinning. Maybe afterwards I’ll walk through walls. Enjoy the Katt Williams.